Ring, ring

“Hello?”

“Hello, may I speak with Albert Choi, please?”

“Yes, speaki…”

“Good evening, Mr. Choi, I’m calling from MBNA to tell you about our credit card offer for students…”

“Uh, well, actually…”

”…this student card offers a low interest rate, no annual fee, and many other features. We have your address as ******, Mississauga, Ontario, is this correct?”

“Actually, I’m not a student anymore, I’ve recently graduated…”

“That’s not a problem, sir. Our card has many features, it can help you around the house, do some cleaning, some vacuuming…”

“Hello? I actually already have an MBNA card.”

“That’s not a problem, this card is loaded with features, you can play MP3’s, download movies…”

“No, I don’t…”

”…with this card, you can reduce gang violence and inner-city homelessness…”

“No thank you, bye.”

”…this credit card can cure cancer! Solve world hunger!”

“Good-bye.”

Click

Evidence of John Lennon’s god-like power: my iPod has played his songs more frequently over the past couple days (since December 8, the anniversary of his death). The spirit of John Lennon permeates all portable electronic music playing devices.

I was catching up on some Ebert & Roeper shows via their podcast… A couple weeks ago, they reviewed Into the Blue. Richard Roeper gave it a thumbs down for all the expected reasons: ridiculous plot, mindless action scenes, etc. Ebert, on the other hand, gave it a thumbs up, to Roeper’s astonishment. He began his justification of his recommendation thusly (I’m paraphrasing here):

“Jessica Alba is a pretty girl. She’s pretty in this movie. So that’s a thumbs up.”

Can’t argue with that, Roger Ebert. Of course, he tried to give other reasons for liking the movie, but it was altogether unconvincing. I propose that Ebert & Roeper introduce a “thumb down, penis up” rating for just this purpose.

I have never been a big fan of Apple. Their philosophy of computer-as-appliance has always struck me as a bit repulsive. It’s easy to dislike Microsoft (and I do) for keeping everything closed and proprietary, but in some ways Apple is even worse. At least with a Windows PC, you can open the thing up and add and remove parts yourself.

Just look at the iPod, for example. The fact that it uses a non-standard connector to interface with the PC means that there are a whole bunch of products (e.g. USB cables) that you can’t use with the iPod, and also that there are a whole bunch of iPod-specific products that don’t work with anything else.

Yeah, but that means the good Apple engineers can optimize for the hardware and make it work really fast…

Uh… but it’s harmful to consumers when these incompatibilities arise… it takes away their choices…

That’s okay, if everybody uses an iPod, then there won’t be any incompatibilities… and it’ll be really easy to find iPod-compatible products because all the manufacturers will be on the iPod bandwagon…

But… but… Apple is an evil corporation… they’re trying to take over the world!

Just look at this iPod… it’s so shiny and pretty… and cute..

NOOOOO!!!!!

Apple rulzzzzz!!!

This is one of my favourite passages from George Carlin’s newest book, When Will Jesus Bring The Pork Chops?:

If someone says, “Have a nice weekend,” I never say, “You too.” Because I never know if, perhaps, by the time the weekend rolls around, I will have other plans for that person. Come Friday, I may wish to have them slain.

A lot of Carlin’s humour has to do with language, and in particular, the stuff that people say so much that it becomes automatic and loses meaning. I know I’ve had the “Have a nice weekend”/“You too” exchange many times, and every time it happens, I kick myself for being so conformist. The next time someone says to me, “Have a nice weekend,” I will reply, “Fuck that, I plan to wallow in misery and self-loathing all weekend.” Thank you, George Carlin.

So there’s this new “flavour” of Tylenol called Tylenol “Cool Burst”. You know what it is? It’s minty Tylenol. Minty! Tylenol!!

Why is this even necessary? The ideas of pills is that you swallow them. Do they really want people to pop in a couple of Tylenols and start sucking on them like candy? “Mmm… minty… refreshing… maybe I’ll have 10 more.”

I’m getting pretty tired of this notion that everything has to be minty. The only things that should be minty are mouthwash, breath drops, toothpaste and other oral hygiene products. I don’t want to eat it, I don’t want to drink it, I don’t want to wash my hair with it. Just take your mint and keep it to yourself, thank you.

(This is a sequel to another post)

Yesterday I washed my hair with this newfangled Head & Shoulders shampoo called “Refresh”. It’s basically shampoo with mint, and it supposedly creates a refreshing, “wake-me-up” feeling. To me, it felt like washing my hair with Vicks VapoRub while eating a Halls and brushing my teeth at the same time. I was coughing and sputtering and my eyes were stinging… a generally unpleasant experience.

I can just picture the marketing people who came up with this..

Marketing Executive #1: “I’ve got an idea… minty shampoo.”

Marketing Executive #2: “Excellent idea!”

Marketing Executive #1: “Yes… because everything minty is good!”

Marketing Executive #2: “Wait… didn’t you also invent Sprite Ice?”

What’s next, Bacon Double McMinty with Cheese?

I can think of no better way to fritter away a Friday afternoon than to start a blog…