Confessions of a Furtive Gamer

I’ve covered all kinds of media on this blog—books, movies, TV shows, music—but there’s one form of entertainment that I’ve never written about: video games. Ironically, games are probably the hobby that I’ve spent the most time on… and that’s also part of the reason why I haven’t written about them. The truth is, I’ve always been a bit ashamed to be a gamer.

Video games are one of the more geeky realms of geek culture, and I grew up in a time before the geeks inherited the earth. As a kid in school, I learned to avoid revealing parts of myself that would invite mockery: being good at math and computers, enjoying Star (Trek|Wars), still watching cartoons well into my teenage years, and yes, playing video games. You had to make an effort to find people, other geeks, that you could safely be yourself around, because the self that you wanted to be was not the socially accepted norm. For the most part, I did fall in with a group of friends with the same interests, but we would only talk about nerdy stuff when we were at our cafeteria table, away from the “regular” kids.

I’ve also shied away from writing about games because I’ve always had the sense that I play them “too much.” Nobody wants to admit their bad habits in a public forum. Even though I don’t know how to clearly define what amount of play is acceptable, I know that I often feel guilty, that I should be doing something better with my time than gaming.

Near the end of 2024, I made the decision to “quit” video games. Before embarking on a vacation, I deleted the games from my tablet and phone, and didn’t reinstall them after coming home.

Without my games, I found myself spending more time with other hobbies like reading and billiards, which you could say are more “healthy.” But to be honest, I probably just ended up redirecting my compulsive urges towards other forms of bingeable media. (I’m looking at you, Dropout.) The problem wasn’t video games in themselves, but the fact that certain entertainments get their hooks in me and I can’t stop myself. I am prone to being obsessively amused.

During my hiatus, I still followed gaming news, wishing that I could try the latest releases. If I was just trading one form of entertainment for another, why not embrace the one that I really love?

So… I bought a Steam Deck in the summer of 2025, and have fully become a gamer again. But again, feelings of guilt are starting to creep in. Am I sneaking in a few too many extra minutes to play on coffee breaks? Am I staying up late just to have one more try at a boss battle? Am I skipping dog walks or forgetting to do chores? (The answer to all of these is: yes.)

I just got back from a trip and the break in routine has made me reflect on my habits. Would it be possible to enjoy my hobby without losing control and feeling bad about it?

So I’m writing this post for two reasons: 1. to open myself up to talk about a form of art that I’ve always been passionate about, and 2. to publicize my attempt to improve my time management habits. Whether or not anyone actually reads this, I’m hoping that putting it out there will make me feel accountable about making a change in my life. In the coming days, I’ll write about the games that I’ve been enjoying, and also report on ways that I’ve been trying to manage my time. We shall see.